Holy Crap, tonight was a whirlwind! I was being triggered left and right but it was also full of breakthroughs and maybe, some forgiveness. First, the reason I’m doing this blog, I have to keep reminding myself because it terrifies me to no end. Secondly, all three of my kids helped me realize a few things tonight. Wow.
Seriously, still super insecure
I have been struggling with the reason I am making these videos. and blog posts. I have a hard time seeing my value sometimes so I oscillate back and forth. Am I conceded or narcissistic?. I don’t think I am, I hope it doesn’t look that way. Have you ever felt like you just had to do something?
Sometimes, on a good day, I know that this is something I am supposed to do. Other times, I’m not so sure. Like what could I possibly have to contribute? A few days ago, I was having a “not so good” day. I was struggling with my self-perception, anxiety, depression, etc. I went on my channel and watched one of the videos that I made in the beginning. Honestly, it made me feel better. Because, if I could feel “good” when I was making the video, then I could feel “good” now. I don’t know if that makes any sense.
I think my life’s purpose is to share all of this because I believe at least one person out there needs to hear/read this. Is that conceded? At the very least, even if no one else reads this… I am inspiring myself. That should be enough. It isn’t. Maybe, eventually, I will value myself as much as I value others. If you hate the blog, please keep scrolling, if you like the blog, please subscribe and comment. I need the positive reinforcement, lol.
Breakthrough- Forgiveness & The inner child
Sometimes in being a parent, you heal your own inner child. .I had a tough day. Triggers Galore. Anyway, I was sitting in my room, struggling with being triggered, when Monika (my 5-year-old) came racing into my room. She shouted “I win” as she grabbed her pj’s and jumped up onto my bed. You see, Monika is very competitive. Monika loves to win. You can get her to do almost anything if you disguise it as a contest.
Now, we would never use this power for “evil” BUT it allows us to get her ready for bed pretty quickly and without protest. Just by making each step of the way something she can “ win”, WE win. She ran around the room, getting ready for bed and “winning” each step of the way. Mike and I joked that maybe we could get her to eat certain vegetables if we made it a contest. After they left my room, it dawned on me…
Monika is the age I was when this all started. This is one of the reasons I struggle with triggers when I’m around her. Seeing how very easy to “trick” her made me reflect. It clicked. 5-year-olds are easy to trick. Disguise it as a contest, a big kid/grown-up thing, make them feel special and most are easily persuaded. An easy target. Smart enough to follow directions and know how to keep a secret. Loyal enough to think they are doing the right thing. Maybe I owe the five-year-old me an apology. And maybe I should cut her some slack
Being Triggered-A mother’s panic
Later that night, my older kids came running into my room. The light had got out in their room. They were scared. I don’t know what started it but soon we were all started laughing. There was one simple reason, I was able to be myself around them. I was taking painkillers for my surgery so I was a little loopy. Instead of being anxious, I was LAUGHING with them. Both kids commented that they liked “loopy” mom. I laughed. Both kids joked, “I hope I’m not the one that screws this up tomorrow.” Ugh, crushing.
Of course, I told them that it wasn’t about them. I’ve talked to them about my past and triggers before. I’m not sure they could ever really understand., all they know is that mom gets mad. THAT is why I am working so hard to get through this. I hate that I make them feel that way. No matter how many times I apologize, no matter how many times I explain, they still think it is their fault. At least by going through all of this, I get to teach my children coping skills that will serve them the rest of their lives.
Why Can’t just be Happy All of The Time?
When they went to bed, I had a big revelation. When I’m loopy, I can be me because I don’t all of the anxiety weighing me down. I knew that whenever I was around them my anxiety would skyrocket and the chances of turning into “super bitch” were much higher. I never knew why. But I tried to reflect on what was different.
Why I am I being triggered by my kids?
I realized that usually when I look at them, all I see is all of the hurt that I have to protect them from. And when they misbehave I lose it because it’s like “if they don’t do what I say about these insignificant things how am I ever going to keep them safe. And if I can’t help them live up to their potential then they won’t ‘be happy’ “… talk about impossible expectations for them and me. I know it’s illogical and seriously I’m working on it but holy cow. I’m always uncomfortable around them and I never knew precisely why and it was because of the responsibility of mom that I put on myself… I know logically I can’t keep them from all pain… as much as I would like to.
Oh the irony, in trying to protect them from pain, I inadvertently cause it. I wish I could be the mom I want to be. To look at them and not be triggered. I working on it.
