The Most Amazing Breakthrough- A Reflection

I just had the most amazing breakthrough. I hope that I can express it so that it can be received the way it is intended. Mostly because I KNOW that this is someone out there that needs to hear this message.

To Start: I must Apologize

I can already hear my alignment coach saying “don’t over apologize.” I tend to do that. Mostly because I doubt myself a lot. In fact, even as I write this. As I am having this epiphany, this breakthrough, this wonderful clarity of thought. I wonder… is it appropriate for me to write this right now? Honestly, I don’t know the answer to that question. at least not really. So I hope this isn’t a giant mistake.

Anyway, back to my apology. I’m sorry if this blog/journal entry sounds childish, strange, or incoherent. It’s late, I’m really tired and I’m on painkillers because of recent surgery. So it is likely to have many spelling and grammatical errors. I just feel like I absolutely have to share some thoughts. I would record a video but I can’t risk waking everyone up. Still with me? Clearly, I am ignoring all of the things I have learned in the how-to video I have been watching. Unless this counts as engaging the audience.

A Little Background

So yeah, life is very intense right now. Some current situations and a lot of past/childhood stuff but the who and the what doesn’t matter. The important thing is that I just had TWO HUGE stikes towards healing. A tremendous breakthrough. I realize that in the long scheme of things, what is going in my head does not have global implications. Like really why should you care about what happened in my life? I totally get it. Those thoughts don’t make you selfish, they make you human. But someone out there needs to hear what I just figured out.

Revelation

In having this breakthrough, I realized all of the wonderful and terrible things that had to happen just the way they did. For me to arrive at this moment, to share this with you. Don’t get me wrong, I am still terrified that I am wrong, and that this will be met with ridicule but I don’t think I am.

The caveat

In just a moment I’m going to try to list all of the little and HUGE things, that have happened that are influencing my words right now. And BEFORE I do, I need to tell you something super important. What I am about to illustrate doesn’t apply to just me. It applies to all of us. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US.

Pre- Breakthrough Beliefs

I never understood when others would tell me that “everything happens for a reason.” Like how on earth could there be a reason for things that I swear are so incredibly painful, that you would not wish them on your worst enemy? Well maybe if you are a Targaryen (Game of Thrones for those of you who are unfamiliar). Hey, look at me, a run-on sentence and a tangent all in one paragraph. I rock at this (and a colloquialism).

So…anytime someone would say that to me, I respected their beliefs. AND I disagreed with this (at least internally). I REFUSED to believe in a world where “bad” things happen for a reason.

The Message

I finally found the piece that I was missing. It is NOT that everything happens for a purpose. It is that in everything, there is (or can be) purpose. Let me rephrase that, there is purpose in everything that happens. At least there can be.

If you are rolling your eyes right now, that’s ok. I have been there. I hope that someday you look back and see that this article left an impression, no matter how small. If not, that is ok too. That just means this article wasn’t meant for you, thanks for reading. Have a nice day and please try to be kind.

That’s it. That’s my message. If you read this far, thank you. I am going to continue writing because I feel like someone needs to hear this. So, continue reading, but only if something in your mind, body, or heart is telling you you should… or just to see how nuts I really am. 😉

Connecting the Dots

What else could be left to say? The message has been delivered. I need to say how I arrived at that conclusion.

I am seriously going to go through all of the things that HAD to line up for me to arrive at this thought at this moment. Because even as I am writing this I am realizing who much everything I am saying has been influenced in one way or another by things I have read or witnessed. By people and how they touched my life, either through direct impact or through a ripple in the fabric of the universe. Oh dear, that IS cheesy. Oh well. I may have lost some people there but someone is still with me.

The important thing to know is that in EVERY single one of these scenarios EVERYONE present gained something from that encounter. Whether they realized it or not. They learned something. Big or small. It will make an impact in their lives.

Some famous person once said (I don’t want to waste time looking for the exact quote or person but trust me on this) something like this “we are all the centers of our own universe”/” I’m telling you that for a moment I saw the cosmos align. And not in an out-of-this-world, sci-fi way. But virtually a cascade of memories. Paragraphs, conversations, activities, events that led to this. Ok, I sound high or something but I saw the pain killer can’t possibly be that strong. Everything in your life can be made to work for you.

I can hear your objection…

I can already hear what I would have thought in reply to what I have said so far… and believe me when I say, it wasn’t that long ago that I WOULD have fought this belief with every fiber of my being. My inner pissed-off teenager would say/think “How dare you.” But I want to assure you. I do not mean to minimize your pain. If you were hurt, that was not ok. And I wish it would have never happened. Sadly, there are some truly evil people in the world. And some people who in their pain do evil and/or at least hurtful things. You have every right to HURT and BE ANGRY or FRIGHTENED or whatever feeling you are feeling. I am not nor will I ever try to take that away from you.

AND I am going to tell that when you are ready to stop hurting. Not because you have to, but because you deserve to heal and be whole, than maybe you will give this post another read.

Ok… I know I ihave lost more of you. Yeah, this is getting long. If you are still with me, thanks. I swear, learning to be concise is one of my objectives with my alignment coach.

The Evidence

I know that a lot if not MOST people will not get this. And that’s ok, it’s not meant for you.

I have always been smart but full of self-doubt. Even at this moment, I am reminded of one time in AP Government, our teacher asked us to state something that positive about ourselves or something we had an aptitude for… I forget exactly what the question was. I could not think of anything. He asked my peers if anyone had any suggestions. To my pleasant surprise, they did. They will never know how much I needed that in the moment. 20+ years later and I still remember. Maybe not the words, but the feeling, because that was what was important at that moment.

Breakthough, Still There’s Doubt

Why do I bring that up? Because right now I was thinking? OMG (yes, I realize I sound like a 15 yr old but that’s how I think sometimes, but I digress). OMG, am I doing the right thing? What if people think I’m crazy and who am I to say these things. There is no degree in psychology or theology hanging on my wall.

Yet that is the memory that popped into my mind, to mind me of that feeling. That moment felt good. Yet, as good as it felt at the moment, I was also embarrassed. When the teacher posed the question, I could NOT think of anything. If anything “good” popped into my head, I was terrified to say it out loud. What if my peers ridiculed me?

It felt awful 20+ years ago. And it also felt good. So yeah, there are going to be people who read this and laugh. There might even be people who read this and behave cruelly. Maybe only a handful of people read this at all. But I know that someone is meant to read it.

My Conviction

How can I be sure? Because everything that I have said so far is a combination of so many sources of influence it’s mind-boggling. So many wonderful people have been placed in my life, some briefly, others for quite some time. But I can see the wisdom that I have gained from those experiences and I am grateful for it. Yeah, I know I sound super cheesy. Give me a break I’m having a moment… It’s a good day. Let me enjoy it and pass on a little bit of wisdom.

A series of fortunate, not so fortunate events

• 2+ years ago I thought I had breast cancer. I went in for an annual check-up for my doctor suggested I get genetic counseling (the reasons aren’t important.
• The test results, came back BRCA2 positive, meaning I had a high risk of certain cancers.
• That allowed me to get a mammogram earlier than the average woman
• At the mammogram, they found a mass
• After another mammogram and an ultrasound, it was determined that it was VERY LIKELY cancerous. YIKES!!

The hidden sivler lining (HIDDEN AT THE TIME)

• Obviously, I was tremendously worried. I reached out to a wonderful high school friend who is not only a breast cancer survivor but she is this amazing oncology nurse who is working on a degree that will allow her to work on a psychological level with oncology patients. In other words, she knows the subject from multiple angles. She was and is an incredible friend and resource. That reminds me, I need to touch base with her, she has been on my mind.
• Anyway, one of the things that my friend suggested was to get a therapist. Knowing that it can take a while to find a good therapist, get insurance approval, schedule an appointment. She insisted that I start the process ASAP just in case the doctor was right and it was cancer. That is how I got back into therapy.
• In the process of all of the subsequent visits I found out that I could possibly qualify for bariatric surgery, that was the beginning of what eventually led to me losing 170 lbs.
• It was a series of unfortunate fortunate events that led me to the therapist that I have now.
• A series of unfortunate fortunate events made my surgery approval process take an unusually long time.

i COULDN’T hAVE pLANNED IT bETTER IF i TRIED.

• But I found the PERFECT therapist or at least the one that was perfect for me, right when I needed her. Because let me tell you being less than half the size I used to be was terrifying, We made a lot of progress but some of the issues we were and are dealing with are big. I would make progress but it was so going. They say two steps forward one step back but I swear sometimes it felt like I was perpetually sliding right back to the beginning.
• My therapist and I had been working together for almost a year when I had my second cancer scare. That right, in the process of getting a preventative double mastectomy (as series of fortunate, unfortunate events too) my breast surgeon found a mass on my thyroid. This time the surgeon was certain it was cancer.
• I called my therapist and left a message on the way home. Bless her heart, she called me back the same day and told me that she would work it out with the insurance company, but to come to the office for an extra visit. Whew.
• It was a while before we found out that I do not have cancer after all. (Thank goodness). But during that time I completely changed my life. AND I therapist found out that because of certain things (not important) the insurance actually approved two visits a week. The progress I have been able to make grew by leaps and bounds.
• I started my VV journey (see my blog and youtube channel for that). I started working with my friends at Last Life Ever (another wonderful and strange chain of events).
• Which led me to work with my friend Marisa at Well Balanced Healing Arts.

• She hired me as Technical Advisor. I help her with the projects that she is certainly capable of doing herself, but that causes her more stress than joy. Projects that I actually REALLY enjoy.
• I hired her to be my Alignment Coach.
• All of these series of events happened because I needed both of these ladies, and all of their skills, to work through the things I am working through right now.

Critisism- This isn’t a Breakthrough!

Yes, I realize who completely self-centered and narcissistic that may sound. But here is the thing. The exact same thing is true for everyone, in every moment. There is peace and joy, however minuscule available in every moment. There is something to be learned from the pain if only to learn compassion for others that suffer.

Conclusion

We can not stop evil. Hurtful things happen. People make “bad” choices. And we can choose to learn to get back up again.

Thank you for listening. Good night. I get to interview my very first contest winner in a few hours! Yay!